Mammals with Blowholes

Champagne Wishes And Ray Liotta Dreams

All I’m saying is that I had a dream where Ray Liotta made a HUGE comeback in Hollywood.

And I’m all like, “this totally makes sense. I mean, ‘Heartbreakers’????”

Whitetrash Memoirs: Beanie Babies and Guns

This will be a short one. So we all know about the Beanie Baby craze that hit the world in the late ’90s, right? Right. Of course I jumped on that bandwagon because I’m a soulless consumer—what else is new? So the deal with the BB’s then was to acquire the “rare” ones because those were worth the most. And I’m talkin’ like worth A LOT…like up to $4,000, people. Srsly. For a stuffed animal. And then having those in your possession made you some sort of BB God or whatever. 

SO ANYWAYS, after I had gotten all of the run-of-the-mill BB’s, I decided to up the ante and try collecting the rare ones, because nothing meant more to me in the world that owning worthless piles of fabric and beans…or whatever they’re actually filled with. In order to get these BB’s I had to search far and wide…high and low. And eventually somewhere along the line a fellow BB collector mentioned something about finding those rarities in flea markets. Ah-ha! Of course! White trash LOVE Beanie Babies! So, my first and most desired conquest was to have my greedy little hands on the Princess Diana Beanie Baby. A real rarity. Yeah, I know. Princess Di is rolling in her grave.

Seeing as my dad is a fairly good guy and loved spending quality time with his beloved daughter, he suggested that we hit the ol’ BIG TOP FLEA MARKET in our town to find the Princess. But, seeing how my dad is also a fairly squirrelly guy, I knew he had ulterior motives.

I was right. For you see there existed a shooting range just across the street from ol’ BIG TOP and you better believe that after our hunt for the BB’s was over we were to move on to hunting bigger and better things…like deer. Just kidding. I only ever shot a revolver at a target. But there I was…an 11 year old girl, Beanie Baby bargain shopping then heading over to the ol’ shootin’ range to get my GUN on. Those are the special father-daughter bonding moments that you just never let go of. And to commemorate our special time together, my father professionally framed a target of mine that I hit particularly well—BULLSEYE y’all!

Quotez

Look, I’m not into any kind of inspirational or deeply profound quotes, really. ‘Specially ones where some long forgotten saint OR Buddha ramble on about patience or Jesus or whatever. I’m more into what I like to call…REALITY QUOTES. I prefer the everyday funny thangz that the lovely people in my lyfe have said at one point or another. Here’s a list of my favorite quotezzzz (in no particular order):

“Only two things matter: dykes and vegas.” -Kevin

The illustrious Kev-mo texted me this one time when we were trying to orchestrate some sort of weekend planz. He got my attention! And I still think it’s funny that “dyke” was in his predictive text. Kev is pretty notorious for letting the predictive texts get the better of him.

“So you’re training to be a lesbian.” -Adrian

Ahhh, Adrian. Never a funnier person. When trying to explain my graduate skool education (it ain’t too mainstream), he lovingly asserted that my future career holds the key to dykedom. True!

k: does the crazy, toothless dyke come here anymore?

b: which one?

-Bev and Kev (ha)

Oh boy. I could write a novel about the antics that occurred at the Hook up. Well, maybe a pamphlet. Either way, toothless dykes ran rampant there, drinkin’ their Jack Daniels, dancing sexily, posing for cameras. Bev was just speakin’ truth. And I love that Kev was brave (or inebriated?) enough to ask.

“Fat and sassy. You’ll always be Mo’nique to me.” -Corey

Gotta love my sweet Corey. To be totally honest, I don’t even remember why we were talking about Mo’nique (maybe we were talking about this) but I’m sure glad it happened. I think I was trying to channel my inner sass or something. Or I really wanted to throw fried chicken at Precious, too.

“i think you’re really gonna like my dickbike.” -Priscilla

Needless to say, this started the dickbike revolution. Dear Priscilla, you are one heckuva genius. You KNOW I luh you, grill. The word speaks for itself in terms of reality. Imagine something you can say that can fit any occasion! Is your boss being a jerk? What a dickbike! Does your best friend constantly dilly-dally when you’re trying to go out to da CLUB? Tell her to stop dickbikin’ around! Wanna take a ride? Get on my dickbike!

“Sometimes mambos #1-4 just aren’t enough.” -Adrian…again.

There are times in life when great minds shine brilliantly—EVER SO BRILLIANTLY THAT ALL OF THE PLANETS IN THE UNIVERSE SEEM TO ALIGN PERFECTLY AND THE MEANING OF LYFE REVEALS ITSELF. This quote represents one of those times. I don’t even know why or how Adrian came up with this, but HOLY CRAP I laughed till I peed.

Love y’all dearly! Keep filling my lyfe with reality! xoxo